Aftersun 2022
And the emotional effect it had on me
This started out as an article about Aftersun.
I don't know why but from the very first scene I felt such strong emotions of sadness. I kept thinking something bad was going to happen to the dad.
There’s such tenderness and awkwardness in the way the actors interacted with each other.
You really feel those emotions through the actor's performance, and it feels so natural. There isn’t an ounce of "forced" in this film and that’s what makes it feel so special.
This film perfectly captures the slow and mundane moments of a holiday, bringing out the beauty in each moment. At the same time though I really felt like the characters were missing moments of beauty in their holiday, and at other times I felt like they were present and enjoying them. It's this real juxtaposition that creates the power in the film.
Nothing seems to happen either. But it’s really affected me emotionally.
How the film affected me
I’ve balled my eyes out thinking about my girlfriend. It's got me thinking of having kids with her. I want that.
It's got me seeing myself as a dad. I saw myself in Callum (Paul Mescal). I also saw myself in Sophie (Frankie Corio) and it reminded me of what being a young kid was like but also what being a young adult is like right now.
I’m 24 but I still feel like a kid a lot of the time. I want to do adult things like have kids. I don't know what happened to me from watching this film all I can say is I’m feeling a shit ton of emotions.
I feel I could blow up at any moment.
I read the Wikipedia page about the film and I feel like I’ve relived the whole experience in the space of a few minutes. As soon as I finished reading the synopsis I started crying.
I felt all the grief that Calum experienced as he interacted with his daughter and I felt that grief carry through into Sophie’s life as she gets older, scarred by all the emotions she felt around her father during that holiday.
I really want to be present in the lives of those I love and not let my worries derail me from doing the things I really like.
I’ve just cried mid-putting my socks on, I had to stop midway, one sock on my left foot. Conscious of the people in my house who could hear me cry, a pillow is now resting hard against my face. My girlfriend’s face comes to mind, vivid in my mind, moments on the bus together listening to music. God, I wish I was with her right now. My phone just fell out of my pocket.
Tears turn into art
I wrote the following passage as though it was a character in a film but it’s really what happened to me when I cried after watching Aftersun:
“I miss her so fucking much” (balling his eyes out)
“I miss her so fucking much” x10 sobbing
Snot is coming down from his nose. He doesn’t even care to wipe. He holds 2 sheets of connected toilet roll in his hand. He then blows his nose, the tissue is basically flooded with snot immediately. The now snot-heavy toilet paper dangles from his hands as he looks at it. He gets up to the toilet and lets the toilet paper fall into the toilet bowl. He’s still slowly sobbing. The whole time in the background “Alone again, alone again” is heard from the song Chamber of Reflections by Mac DeMarco.
The whole film has brought on a range of emotions. I’ve seen the grief the characters have experienced and I don't want to make those same mistakes. I want to pay closer attention to how I feel and my emotions and find a way to be happier and do the things that make me happy.
AC Flow
This then brings on feelings about AC Flow. He’s my brother, I love him to bits. It saddens me how misunderstood he is. I’m listening to his new album, mainly to “Roam” and “Anything for you”.
There is so much emotion in this music and my heart goes out to him. What can I say, he's a fucking rockstar. It feels like the whole world of Tik Tok is against him and I’m picturing him all alone and feeling these same emotions in his life. Emotions of loneliness. Those feelings are going around. I want to bring us together. Me, AC Flow, Ruben, the whole wide world.
This is why I love film and music. It really has the power to make you feel things you might feel in your everyday. It’s so damm powerful. This is how we change the world.